Today I have given you an exercise you might like to do as you take stock of some of the past relationships you have had, or perhaps you can use it to see your current partner and yourself in a more balanced perspective.
So many times a client tells me “Marilyn, I am so in love with x I can’t see straight.” Immediately alarm signals start going off in my brain, and I know that my client has put his/her partner on a pedestal, and is not seeing this person in perspective. Invariably people you put on a pedestal do something (or things) wrong at some stage and it is just a matter of time before you resent this person and you then figuratively put them in the pit. Meanwhile this person is just being true to him/herself, and is just living out their values, like they always have, and did not ask you in the first place to put them on a pedestal. There are many twists and turns a relationship can take, but this is one of the most common.
So what is the solution? A method which may help is found in the book “The Heart of Love” by Dr John Demartini. First of all you write down this person’s name on a piece of paper, together with the date. Next, you draw several columns under their name.
The first column must have the heading: “Trait I most like or admire about this person”. Think of as many traits as you can and write them down one below the other. You should be able to think of at least 20. This should be easy, because you are so infatuated.
The next column must have the heading: “Initials of people who see this trait in me”. Then next to each trait you have listed in the first column, list the initials of these people. This is intended to make you realise that you are just as wonderful as the other person, and that you possess the same marvellous qualities.
The next column must have the heading: “How this trait in him or her is a drawback or disservice to me”. Abbreviate your phrases, so they fit in, and list them on the same lines as the traits in the first column. This will help you to realise that maybe this person is not so “wonderful” as you initially thought, and is simply another human being, trying to make the most of his/her life, just as you are.
The next column must have the heading: “How this trait in me is a drawback or disservice to others”. List the abbreviated phrases again, on the same lines as the traits in the first column. This will help you to see this particular trait in perspective, and that it is neither good nor bad, but that it simply is. And as it resides in your partner, so it also resides in you.
If you do this exercise diligently, you will see your partner in a different light and see them more as they really are and not as some kind of wonderful fantasy person who actually does not even exist. You may even discover some awesome things about yourself, and appreciate yourself more. Seeing people as they really are is a good way to start off a relationship. You will not be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Recommended reading: “The Heart of Love – How to Go Beyond Fantasy to Find True Relationship Fulfilment”, by Dr John F Demartini.
You will find a more complete version of the above exercise in this book.
© 2008, 2013, 2018 Marilyn Welch.
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Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, many of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, often within a very few short months. Would you love to meet your soulmate? If you fit our niche market and feel that you would like to work with me, register today.